My last story left off at college. So, college is where I am today. I am connecting the dots one story at a time. I am not interested in regrets or playing the ‘what if” game. But I am most definitely feeling nostalgic as I look back and contemplate. Small decisions, big decisions that guide us through our personal architecture. Life does unfold in mysterious ways. This story is one of my absolute favorites. I’ve often wondered why it happened the way it did, but I am so glad it happened exactly as it did.

It was the start of my senior year. The fall ballet concert was a biggie, Coppelia and Les Sylphides. It doesn’t get more classical than that! I do believe I previously mentioned that our casting was assigned. We were in ballet class one afternoon, and I was vaguely aware that one of my fellow classmates, the gorgeous and talented M, had stepped out of class. She returned as we were executing a grand allegro combination across the floor. She sidled up to me and whispered, “The casting for Coppelia is posted. Guess who’s playing Swanhilde?” Swanhilde was the coveted leading role. I shrugged and she excitedly continued with, “You and me!” I have never been more stunned by three little words. I wish I could remember more elation than shock. Being riddled with insecurity, all I was concerned with was that everyone would be thinking, Debbie is cast as Swanhilde?? Really!?? Class ended. There was no way way to avoid the cast list since you had to walk right by it. Everyone was crowded around, and I passed quickly, on the peripheral edges of the group. One glanced up proved what M had said. There I was, top of the list, my name in a starring role. It was my senior year. I had worked my tail off, and even though I had earned it, I still could not let myself believe I deserved it. I quickly ran up the stairs to our changing room and buried my head in my locker. My classmates filed in, one after another, and everyone made a point of singling me out with a hug, a congratulations, a happy grin, and every sign imaginable that said we are so happy for you. (yes, I’m an idiot) By the end of the day, I finally allowed myself to feel the joy of the moment, and called home to share the good news with my family.

Rehearsals for Coppelia started immediately. I was also cast in a nice role in Les Sylphides, so long and exhausting days were ahead. Our Coppelia rehearsals started out as private rehearsals with our choreographer, CR, who was also playing the role of Dr. Coppelius. I revered this man, and was thrilled for this opportunity. Just me, M, and CR in the studio. In very short time, I became aware that he was continually pulling M forward, working with her, talking to her, and I was politely, yet most definitely, being ignored. I thought it was odd. I complained to a very close friend, who said keep working hard, it’s just in your imagination. One week later, completely out of the blue, a new cast list was posted. At the top it read, Swanhilde – M, and at the very bottom of the list it read, Understudy to Swanhilde – Debbie. No explanation. No discussion. No this is the reason we are tearing your heart out of your chest and stomping it on the floor. I was beyond enraged, humiliated, and my pride was deeply wounded. Why give it to me then take it away? The next step was obvious to me, I was absolutely going to quit. There was no way, in my senior year, that I was going to put myself through anymore heartache. My dearest friend and confidante was wise beyond his years. He said, sure you can quit. That’s one way to deal with it. Or how about this? Don’t quit, and show them you can be the best dang understudy they’ve ever seen. Here is that pivotal moment. Here is the important decision that connects the dots. I swallowed my pride and became, if I do say so myself, an outstanding understudy.

Several weeks of rehearsals ensued. Grueling college schedule. Twelve hour days, minimum. Nearing our final two weeks before performance, we were in rehearsal one evening for the second act of Coppelia. I love this act so much, because it requires the ballerina to be an actress. That was my forte. The storytelling is so detailed, so layered, and very comedic. Well, there I stood, at my usual post, way the heck in the back of the studio. The dancers complete the act, then suddenly CR says, in his fabulous Cockney accent, “We are going to take a quick break, then repeat the act again, this time with Debbie.” No warning. No fanfare. I have not even received a sidelong glance during this entire rehearsal process. Why now? My eyes desperately sought out my friend across the room. I will never forget our brief locking of eyes and his expression which said it all….You’ve got this, Debra. He nodded. I adjusted my pointe shoes, and became Swanhilde for the next half hour. It was exhilarating. When it was over, there was no gushing praise from CR. It simply had to be enough that I was proud of myself, and I could leave the studio with my head held high.

The very next morning, I was sitting on the floor next to the grand piano in our studio, putting my leg warmers on, preparing for class. In walks CR. He pauses, looks down at me, and says “Very good job last night, love. We have decided to split casts. You will be performing Swanhilde.” Then he just walked away. I’ve often wondered, in that tiny moment, did he know he had just performed emotional heart surgery? Did he know he had taken the fragile pieces of my soul and made me whole again? Did he know that I would repeat this story hundreds of times over the years to my own students, a story of not quitting, of not giving up, of not walking away when things got rough? Sticking it out, putting in the work, being prepared. You NEVER know when your opportunity is going to present itself. The decisions we make affect how our dots will connect throughout our lifetime.

I shared performances of Coppelia with M. It meant the world to me that my parents could travel out to see me in that role. It was the fall of my senior year, and my success with Coppelia set me up for the best year of my college life. In my final spring semester, I was cast in the title role of a full length ballet, Ondine. I did not split casts with anyone. It was my role.