College auditions. Ouch. Glad I got through it, but thrilled to never have to go back there again! Certainly not in today’s college audition climate. The students of today, hoping to pursue their performing dreams, start planning very early on. I don’t think I obsessed throughout my sophomore and junior years? Of course, the options for reputable, solid dance programs were far more limited back in the 1800’s. (insert chuckle) Also, I don’t recall any of my dancing peers applying to sixteen colleges! The poor kids today. I do not know how they do it. I have no recollection of writing fifty thousand essays and applications as thick as manuscripts. Nowadays, there’s this thing called the prescreen. That’s fun. You send in a video to see if you will even be accepted to audition. Yikes!! An audition is like nothing else. If you’re smart, you’ve spent years of training and preparation just to be ready when the moment comes. That’s just it. It’s a moment. You need to do it, on the spot, . You need to produce, right then, what you hope they are looking for. Here’s how it went in my house. I knew the intention was to go to college, but in my delusional teenage brain, I actually thought I might convince my parents to let me go directly to NYC. Duh. My dad was like, think again, you are going to college. (see blog # 6) He preferred I pursue English, I preferred I pursue dance. I won that mini battle. So, he said if you are going to go to college for dance, we better find an excellent program. We found three that looked really strong. Only one problem, all of them were out-of-state. Gulp. I had to be accepted academically AND artistically. I was also required to audition in person. I admit, the whole process was scary. College means change. And, Debra was not a fan of change. But this small town girl took the big steps, pulled up her big girl panties, and danced into her unknown future.

This might seem slightly off topic, but it’s really not. I would like to briefly mention that I went to my junior and senior proms in high school with the same boy. He was my high school boyfriend. When I went into college, he enlisted in the armed forces. We managed to maintain our puppy love romance for my entire freshman year of college. The relationship arrived at it’s logical conclusion, falling squarely into the “it wasn’t meant to be” category. (that’s code for I finally gained some maturity and outgrew him) The night before I left for college, I was an emotional mess. It was a full on dramatic meltdown the likes of which would rival Shakespeare. In my defense, I was young, and deeply heartbroken. My freshman year was great, don’t get me wrong, but it would have been so much more amazing if I had ditched the the fella much sooner!! That’s harsh, because he was a great guy. But at eighteen, my identity and self-worth seemed to be wrapped up in whether a boy liked me. That is sad on so many levels. After one year of college , it suddenly dawned on me that I could be my own person. The college auditions and the high school boyfriend, they’re stuck together in my brain. Can’t think of one without the other.

Road trips. Love them. But they are not so much fun when the stakes are so very high. I know I talk a lot about my dad, but he is a champ. We piled into the car, and he drove me to Ohio and Indiana for my college dance auditions. We brought one of my brothers along as company for my dad. We had narrowed the field down to two schools, that’s it, with the third as a possible backup. The first audition was in Ohio, on a Sunday, very urban, not much of a campus,. The little I saw of the city seemed industrial and kind of boring. Not a lot of action. My dad quickly pointed out, that’s not why you’re here. My audition was a company class, in which I was the ONLY dancer auditioning that day. Very intimidating, to say the least. I was impressed with the caliber of the students, loved the teacher and the class. Of course, this was my first rodeo, so I had no idea what to expect, no preconceived notions of how this day would proceed. Little did I know, they would waltz me into an office immediately after the audition, for a sit-down conference, to tell me, WE WOULD LOVE TO ACCEPT YOU INTO OUR PROGRAM!!! I can’t see the man’s face, I don’t remember actually leaving the office, or how I got back to the car. All I remember is raw emotion. When you don’t believe you are good enough, then you suddenly receive validation, it is indescribable.

Food. Hotel. Driving, and driving. We pull into Indiana. Now, this was more like it. A beautiful, massively huge college campus on a rainy Monday morning, buzzing with activity. The excitement of one astounding acceptance quickly faded as my nerves kicked in, all over again. I thought I had the worst luck in the world when the dance professor, who was teaching the ballet class, told me I would be the only one auditioning, in a room full of college students. How could this be happening twice in one whirlwind, nerve-wracking audition weekend??!! You can’t help but feel very exposed and vulnerable. You feel like everyone is staring at you. It was a similar experience to Ohio, very challenging class, proficient dancers, and I do remember that I stayed focused and kept my cool. After the audition, I was treated to another bewildering sit down, and the long and the short of it is, I was two for two! Two college acceptances, two great schools. Choices. When we got home, my dad actually said to me, if you want to go back to the third school(also in Ohio), we can do that. Not necessary. I don’t remember the exact moment I made my decision, but I do know my world grew bigger that day. I stood up a little straighter. I was the conquering heroine of my own story.

We arrived back home during school hours. My dad did not expect me to go to school after a long, exhausting ride, but I wanted to. You guessed it….I had to see my boyfriend. So many details that are so hazy, and yet, this one is crystal clear, the look on his face when I walked into the one class we shared together. I sat down, he whispered, “Well?”, and I said, I was accepted and probably going to Indiana. His face spoke what my heart knew…this was the beginning of the end.

Hard to accept the change. Hard to let go. So very difficult to embrace the unknown. That kind, sweet young man deserves my gratitude. I suppose he was wise beyond his years, because he never would have said, please don’t go, and as much as I didn’t want to leave him, I knew taking another path was never an option for me. I was going to be a dance major in Indiana.